True friendship is seen through the heart, not through the eyes

I officially said good buy to a life long friend today, though in my heart there will never really be a good bye. I cried as people ive known since i was 7 and 8 years old stood up and recounted how my friend had touched their lives, i was way too much of a wreck to speak myself, I just couldn't do it.

He touched my life in so many ways and he was instrumental in my development as a creative person. I will never forget him and his influence on me is strong. I am a better person for knowing him but i am terribly sad tonight and my heart is a little more broken and beat up today then it was yesterday.

The first of pleasure...

Little sprinkles of light twinkle though the leaves and vines intertwined in the brown wooden slats that cover my tiny quaint multi-colored patio. Espresso made from real southern Italian beans linger on my sun kissed lips. I squint as the light is blocked by the man before me...

"il mio cuore è pieno" i whispered in his ear as he bends down to touch my cheek and his hand drops to my exposed breast. More of me was full a few moments back then just my heart but alas...i digress.

I lean back and think about the long summer days and how i got here on this patio with plump ripe grapes hanging above my head... and close my eyes and bask in the sun for a few more minutes before i have to dress for a fancy formal diner.

"non sono fatto con lei ancora" i say in Cosentino... your sly smile tells me you understand my broken Calabrese dialect and approve of my sentiment.

I am a very lucky girl.

The photo of the grapes was taken by yours truly

Gettin Phished

It happens sometimes, usually its some dim witted bacon and donuts type that thinks I'm going to express in a private IM conversation that i will do XXX sex act for XXX dollar amount. I wont on the phone, or email and they want to do an end run around, thinking that i'll some how incriminate myself in an IM. Good luck on that one. The men in blue have a specific way about them and I'm always extra cautious anyways, i find them out pretty fast. Plus they could never pass screening and i ALWAYS screen.

The other day i got phished and i first thought i was a a man in a uniform, but then it took a turn that made me believe it was someone just fucking with me, looking for personal information about yours truly. This person who was "new to the hobby"knew too much, for someone "new" they ask pointed questions under the guise of being a fumbling newbie. Like i would somehow give them some kernel of personal info i don't give out to potential clients. That i would slip up and give them the little golden nugget they were looking for... AS IF.

My favorite portion of this fleeting online conversation was when he told me how nice i seemed in an effort to butter me up when i was being a reserved, suspicious, non responsive, bitch. yeah dead give away...

oh well seems my "fan club" is still out there with too much time on their hands, i hope they enjoyed my bad spelling and bitchy attitude!

Crotchless panties and grandmas pearls

6 years to the day today you left the earth and its also the day you were born, my little firecracker. You are always with me on firecracker day. My thoughts are always of you and how you always made me laugh until my face utterly hurt, the crazy adventures we went on in the middle of the the night causing trouble in a small coastal town in California. Wearing monkey pajamas on the street and acting like everyone else was dressed like a freak, getting me searched and almost detained trying to get back into the U.S. because you couldn't stop singing at the boarder crossing! Offering to knock me up after i went crazy after the pinto bean died inside me, just to make me happy and smile again. How miraculously you produced soup, the only thing i wanted and couldn't shut up about, none of which we had in the house. Dancing to some loud rhythmic house music, two bowls of beef with barley balanced on both hands as you twirled into the living room at 7am in the goddamned morning.

You were not longed for this world, you were too good for it. You lived everyday the best most creative way you could even after you got sick and you always meant and still do mean so much to me. From that first day we met when you pretended to be the host of the party i ended up at and dragged me into the bedroom to take Polaroids, write captions and mock "the patio people". To the last time we spoke when you knew the end was near and you told me you loved me and had a moment of clarity to say good bye.. kindred spirits, two of a kind, peas in a pod? naw.. more like two balls in a bag. You loved me for me and you never faltered from that. You did your best to protect me from the illness that ravaged your body and brain, though i wish you would have let me in a little more to take care of you but i understand why you didn't.

So my dear Firecracker today is your day, the day the world produced you and the day it took you back and i will don my grandmas pearls, my best crotchless panties, drink to much and think of you as i swim in a pool of hookers and porn stars. I know you'd love that and if you were here you'd be right there with me egging me on to do something that would take us one step from the nut house or jail.

I miss you my long lost friend and where ever you are I'm sure you are twirling, laughing and being the center of attention as well you should be.

Vocalizing

He was visibly nervous and shaking like a leaf. I found it kinda amusing... at first. I tried to calm hi down a bit by speaking slowly, touching his arm when i spoke and remaing cool, calm and collected myself. as we got the small talk portion of the evening out of the way, I looked around the room spotted my envelope (i always like to know where it is) and noticed that there were no pictures on the walls and that all his belongings (books and video tapes) were ushered into piles in the 4 corners of the room. I asked him if he had lived there long as the place didn't look very lived in. he'd been there over 2 years.

I took him by the hand and asked him to take me to bed. His hands were sweaty and the shaking was still there. Again i did my best to calm him down but at this point i knew it was futile. he was oddly aggressive but scared to death. I tried to take the lead to set the pace but i finally gave up and let myself be the zombie rag doll he was looking for. He was obviously not well practised in the art of the female body but wanted to make sure he got all the high points in. i obliged as best i could.

when it came time to wrap it up and go for the gold he amateurishly pulled me to the edge of the bed so he could penetrate me while standing up.. umm okay I've always been a fan of that and when he slid inside me i decided to be quite vocal, and put on the big show, i know that's what he wanted and honestly try as i could i just couldn't get into the sex this time. it took him about 3 strokes to cum. he later told me it was because i was so vocal. Note to self nervous guys cum fast when you moan like a porn star. I can only imagine how fast it would have been if i had started to get into some dirty talk. Maybe my filthy mouth could i have gotten him to cum before he actually attempted to fuck me ....

i grabbed my envelope and headed for the door with a kiss on the cheek for him and 400 dollars for me.. he will call again. the nervous ones always do.

Focus

I woke up with a headache and frustrated. Why i don't know. Dreams of a broken camera danced in my head all night causing me to toss and turn and wake up and will my tired body back to sleep. I have a focus problem. Not just with my photography but with my life. Isn't that always the way. I went over my last set of film and i noticed i was unfocused more then my fair share. Are my sensors dirty or are my eyes? I have to correct this before my next scheduled shoot. Though i have a sneaking suspicion that the correction will be contact lenses or Lasik or some thing else just as paralyzing to me.

My camera focus issue is a metaphor for a life focus issue.. I'm becoming disenchanted with many aspects of my day to day life. Id love to blame this on the death of a life long friend that happened a couple of weeks ago and my refusal to deal with his demise. Or on raging hormones or how all of a sudden i emerged myself into a square job and its taking all my energy, thought and time.... but i can't. its not them, its me.

I have a "to do" list longer then my arm to keep track of the details. I never used to have to do that. I used to remember hundreds of projects and all their minor and major details off the top of my head. Am i out of practice or have i just somehow lost the ability to keep track of things?

“You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus” ~~~~ Mark Twain

Maybe my imagination is out of focus, maybe that's my real focus problem. I'm trying to be imaginative, creative and positive..... but whats happening is depression and frustration. I'm not dreaming it, nor am i being it. I'm just letting "it" happen to me... once again.

like a big pizza pie

Super extra busy over the last week or so and I've been blog neglectful. bad Jenny.. bad, bad Jenny. I swear i will write some dirty or naughty or at least more interesting stuff soon, besides "ohhh I'm sooooo busy, blah blah blah" but its true i am and im just not used to having to have to schedule my life like this.

I'm shooting all day tomorrow for the agency. They swore to me it's going to be an easy day, ha! I already have them figured out.... that's how they suck you in. Oh well call me little miss sucked in...

And now a personal observation... The full moon makes people crazy.

Walk in with a smile, walk out with a job

I had a meeting today to show my book to the CEO of a major modeling agency headquartered here in L.A. and hot damn if i didn't i book my first shoot with them on the spot! I have a solid body of work now and i found that selling your abilities in a face to face meeting with a power broker is a skill you never lose. I used to walk into the wolves to pitch and sell a concept daily when i was an AD and today i pitched and sold just like old times. A solid book and a little charm and fearless confidence still goes a long way in this town.

I'll be doing tests for their new faces division. It looks like an interesting team I'll be working with and I'm excited about it. I clicked real well with my contact and we seem to be on the same page creatively and that's always a huge plus. This is a great step forward for me in advancing my photo career. Now don't get me wrong i love shooting naked girls, but i also like to be challenged and try new things and it will be great fun to do some fitness and fashion models as well as some stuff with a much more commercial appeal.

I walked in with a smile and i walked out with a job.

Gettin' it all done in time

A girlfriend and i were talking about appointment lengths, she was considering extending her 1 hour to a 90 min minimum she was having issues with getting in everything within the allotted hour. It reminded me about another working girl friend of mine who says she knows exactly how much time has lapsed in an appointment to within a couple minutes. She's not looking at a clock or a watch or anything, she's just really good at perceiving time.

Time is always an issue, no one wants a "clock-watcher" but this is a timed event so there is a balance to achieve and a skill to getting everything in within the hour. I think I learned how to manage my time well when i was working in advertising. You had so much to do and so little time to get it done but you also didn't want to look like you were panicked and flustered. That would only come back to bite you in the ass a million different ways in that nasty world.

With a client you need to be able to converse, charm, flirt, make out, get oral, get down, relax, chat and give it a second go, all within one short hour. That's a lot to do in 60 mins but its not brain surgery, its sex and human interaction. Some clients make it easy for ya, they are charming, flirtatious and ready to go go go. Others are nervous and awkward and you need to gently coax it out of them. The real job here is to get clued into what the clients expectations are early on so that you have enough time left to meet them, or in my case attempt to exceed them. yeah yeah, I can't help it I'm an overachiever. If you are observant and looking you will find those cues and clues hunt them down like youre Nancy Drew and once you figure them out you're good to go. then getting all the highlights in in time is easy.

Once in a while i might go over time because i lose track of it. Yes, i can can fall victim to a charming man once in a while or i get so entranced by an interesting conversation or person that i realize the times almost up and i haven't even gotten naked yet. A certain fascinating malpractice attorney comes to mind, i will of course stay over to make sure i leave my companion a happy, happy man. For the most part an hour is plenty of time to get it all the required high notes in, the more you do this the keener your sense of time gets. I went over a lot more then i was just starting out and still in the middle of the very big learning curve then i do now. With any job the more you do it the more efficient you are at it. I personally prefer a 2 hour or longer tryst with my gentlemen callers because then the pressure if off entirely to cram everything in a hour time frame, its easier to just go with the flow...

...cuz if you cant seduce a ready and willing man in 2 hours, well you got bigger issues then managing your time!

Flip!

I bought a Flip©. So far i've filmed and edited one mini move. Don't get too excited its just of my my dog barking and running around my house (yeah i know how to give the masses what they want). I wanted to practice with my editing software and see what the quality of this little plug an play camcorder was all about and made a 30 second clip with cross fades, two titles and a swiped soundtrack. It;s not bad and its certainly fun and easy, i give it a thumps up and i plan on documenting some of my photo shoots coming up and seeing what else i can do with my new toy.

I'll take the Flip© to Pride next weekend, film the drag queens and the estimated 8,000 people celebrating gay pride and the fact that they can now get legally married. Usually pride has about 4,000 people this year its going to be off the hook.

so if you see me... don't forget to smile!